Guaranteed Mohawk, Possible Hamburger

A short story

First, I just want to say thank you for picking up my flyer. I know there's all kind of papers flying around these days and it means a lot to me that you're taking the time to read mine. Second, most importantly, I WILL CUT YOUR HAIR cheaper than a barbershop and in a more pleasant setting. GUARANTEED! How much you pay for your haircut is going to depend on how you want it cut, but if you just want a simple head-shave, mohawk, buzz-cut type deal, we're talking eight dollars. We're talking, instead of being stuck in some clammy, chemical-smelling barbershop with a TV up in the corner blazing with Ellen DeGeneres dancing around, you're going to be sitting on a bench in the park watching birds hop around in the tree branches, singing their songs, happy kids getting pushed on swings by their daddies, dogs in bandanas catching frisbees. You're going to get to see the world. You're going to have sunshine on your shoulders, and I'll be there cutting your hair and if the cops come up, we'll be entirely up front about what we’re doing and I think everything will be fine. It hasn't happened yet, btw. I'm pretty sure cutting hair in the park is legal. If it's not, if the hairs count as littering or something, we'll figure out an alternate plan, okay? I'd say we could cut your hair in the back of my van, but frankly, the back of my van isn't as nice as a barber shop, and what I've already GUARANTEED you a nicer experience than the barbershop. The van I inherited from my uncle, and while I'm a pretty tidy person, he was the opposite. He spilled all kind of soda pops and Slurpees™ back there and beers, you name it. I’ve power washed it out a couple times but still smells funky. I think it's going to smell funky forever. The smell gets in my clothes too, but that won't be an issue because we're going to be standing out in the fresh air and the sunshine and you've got nothing to worry about. You won't be smelling that. You're going to be smelling fresh cut grass and probably barbecues cause I'm going to meet you in Los Olivos Park where there's always somebody grilling up carne asada or hamburgers or hotdogs. And who knows, maybe after we cut your hair you’ll look so smooth you can just walk right over and say, hey, can I have a hamburger? And the people might want to include you just cause you look so good. And they’ll give you a hamburger. So here's what you get for eight dollars: GUARANTEED mohawk, possible hamburger.

The other thing is, I'll knock a dollar off if afterwards I can come park my van out in front of your house and plug in my clippers. I'm not going in your house (unprofessional/weird). Most houses, believe it or not, have electrical outlets outside for various outdoor purposes like Christmas lights and electrical grills and dancing Pumpkin men. Even if you don't know where yours is, I'll find it AND draw you up a quick diagram so you’ll know where it is for future use. And I’ll just chill out doing push-ups and eating licorice and charging my clippers (I got three kinds for different hair types) for two hours tops. Won’t cost you a nickel of electricity, and I'll knock a dollar off your haircut and there you are looking spiffy as hell, bellyful of hamburger, probably, for seven dollars. I mean, this is the year 2025. You can't find a deal like that anywhere else! Now, if you want to get into the God-tier discount price, let me park my van in your driveway overnight. I'll knock off another two dollars. I would discount your haircut even more, but I do have to eat and people at the barbecues are a little bit stingy with me since I look kind of funky. I cut my own hair, but I need a mirror and have to do it in public bathrooms and those mirrors are usually cracked to hell and back or just dented-up pieces of dull steel. Lots of times there aren't mirrors at all, but I've already committed to giving myself a haircut and I just have to cross my fingers and go for it. So my haircut's a little wacky, a little patchy. And when I walk up to the barbecuers, I seem more like a beggar and less like a guy who just wants to party. But that's not going to be the case with you, because your haircut is going to be so dialed in you might even get a girlfriend at the barbecue! Just don’t let her cut your hair. Keep coming to me, and if she’s like, what? Why? I can do it for free! remind her that you wouldn’t have even met her if it wasn’t for me! And invite me to the wedding! I’ll be there front row, smiling, clapping, throwing rice!

I'm so excited for you to look your best, and again very thankful you picked up this flyer. God, I can't wait to see you looking your best!

Sincerely, Ralph “The Fresh-Air Barber” Gonzales